I was so irritated that my early morning class suddenly dissolved because I’m the only student enrolled in that class. My world has fallen apart, it’s the only class that I look forward for the entire second semester and because I’m the only student who like to explore culture it was now gone. Thinking that my day would be a total mess I went to my home college to console myself in our TAMBAYAN. Our tambayan was the only place I could cry on and the only place that I can be alone especially on early morning weekends. But luckily I found one subject to replace it and I can say fun which is photojournalism. I like the subject so much though it’s a great shift for me cause I’m trained to be a creative photographer rather that taking pictures for critical stories.
With this long introduction,it’s obvious that all I do is study and work. Until my class that day ends, I came again in our TAMBAYAN to see people I can talk to and release all the bad things happen to me that day. I came there without knowing that they have a training happening there. I went there and simply ask everyone for food cause aside from looking for someone to talk to I’m also looking for food (terribly starving). I was talking with my friends there and I notice someone who’s not familiar from me. I know the people there, I who they are and to what college they belong only this certain person who caught my attention is new in our place. I don’t want to the antagonist who will bully the guy, though sometimes I do it for fun, hahaha.
In fairness, he’s not that cute but simply handsome. He’s not tall, in fact he’s just a feww inches taller than me. He’s smart, I can tell in his posture and the way he interact with the people around us. Only that he just looked at me for a while, because I was the reason of the loudness of the place. Every time I go to that place i feel so light that I can do whatever I can, even shout and talk so loud. It’s a compliment for me that he looked at me for a second but I can’t say that I already like him and i’m thinking to assess the this butterfly feelings that I feel cause it’s really weird.
The feeling is weird in all different ways I look at it, though i already had relationships, one is a total failure and one is almost perfect successful but still a failure. I had that feeling when I was with my girlfriend but it’s way different in him, maybe because it’s my first time to actually crush on a guy. I just felt that time when I saw him that my heart is throbbing fast and my knees are getting weak. I feel my blood going in my face to make red( but I’m anemic).hahaha. the feeling is weird and it’s the usual I read in those cheesy young adult novels, I can’t believe that it’s actually true. Considering this condition aside that I always think of him and his full smile I assured myself that I like him and it’s not the normal crush on a guys.
I like him.
The following two weeks and we still meet at group meetings and studies, I can say that I made a indirect confession to him. i just said a lot times that “kuya, wag kang ngingiti dahil kinikilig ako”. That’s the truth! I can lie because it’s what I feel and i don’t want to lie. the went by and lately I noticed that my way going to the library was just beside their tambayan. i don’t realize it until such time that a friend of my mine told me and pointed their tambayan to me. I don’t know if would feel embarras but i decided not, it’s my only way going to the library.
Until such time, All I do is to think about him and we just had three formal meetings with each other but the effect to me is great. Great in the sense that I’m occupied dreaming about his face and stalking his facebook and searching basic information in the internet. Ironically I even spent so much time in stalking his facebook and thinking about him that I neglect doing my thesis and other assignments. It’s not right because I’m sacrificing my studies, that’s the time I decided to look for anything that will ruin his image to me. Like, I search for his type of women and learned that i can’t even pass. But still i feel jealousy to this kind of women and changed the way I dress same as this girls, I can’t help.
i even consulted some friends to help me forget him and a good advise came. Thinking of him so much is making a condition to fall for him more and more every day so I stop to stalk him in facebook even walking in the fastest way for me to go in the library and I took the long route and focused myself in reading political books. I can say that I’m improving but when my mind is not occupied I just end up thinking about him.
I like him but it’s not yet time.