Deem to Redeem (People and Kidapawan Massacre)

The-Darkness

Mercy and compassion are very known to Christians, Catholics, or any religion who live by the teachings of Jesus Christ. It is a known trait of a true believer of God and Jesus Christ. But how we actually redeem in this current society  flaunted with many evils that dressed itself as a believer and a good man.

Many would that this blog might discuss many religious stuff. Yeah, it will. I always believed that a true and firm believer of God should know to recognize the good and bad of world, more precisely the current society we live by. Faith and work are vital in having mercy and compassion to our fellowmen. However, we need to actually know enemy in our society.

The cross-dresser

These are not the LGBTQ(I have high respect on these people, and I love them a lot), I’m talking about the politicians, and other influences who dressed themselves good, nice, accompanied by the beautiful words of promise.

Who are these people?

Yes. They look good and clean, angelic as they were in the outside, and the words they are too beautiful to recognize that are actually deceiving the people. It is common during elections(especially in the Philippines) or in the yearly address of the President. We are blinded with false reports of growth and development while many of the citizen are hungry with no jobs, proper housing, and no access to the basic social services.

They dress their reports with colorful graphs of inflation and growths, and often discuss to the bourgeoisie, as they dress themselves with glitz and glamour.

The talker 

This is the most annoying trait of many evils of the society. These are people who talks about their accomplishments undermining the poor and the needy. They like to talk about their achievements, and often deny their mistakes and blame in to the people. Example is the Kidapawan massacre where the Governor blamed the people of the incidents, along with the Mayor of the City (he even said that only were his accountability since he just have few constituents join the rally of farmers for food), and the PNP Chief of the area. But, these are just cohorts of the real talker which Mar Roxas, who asked the hungry “who financed their demonstration?”. This is a huge manifestation of undermining the poor and needy’s capacity to think for themselves and have a decision.

The talker often have the reasons for his/her mistakes and try to escape the dilemma even proven guilty.

The ignorant

I intended to use “innocent” but its to nice and lowly as the sheep. These people don’t deserved to be compared with the lowly and meek sheep, they are too evil to be innocent.

The ignorant are people who denies that they know the issue even though its all over the news and social media.They hide for days to prevent any intrusion from harm of their prestige and honor. These people already have blood in their hands and treats people like a pawn to the enemy.

The best example would be the Noynoy Aquino in Kidapawan Massacre. Many media outfits, netizens, and the public, ask the Malacanang for any statement on the Kidapawan Massacre, until the President made an speech and said he don’t know the events (such hypocrisy). He is also responsible of SAF 44 murder in their clash with the BIFF,to chase the Malayan terrorist Marwan  for the price money.

 

Generally, the cross-dresser, the talker, and the ignorant are people whom you not trusted. They don’t have mercy and compassion amongst their fellowmen and they are so selfish to think about others. They value their power among any others. They want to preserve their positions for accumulation of power and riches.

They are people who don’t value god and teachings, but are people who loves to quote the bible to dress and hide their true intentions.

 

The room

Okay. The first I stepped in this “room”(let’s call it that way), I felt that I belong there. No matter what happen I’ll do my best to be in the room.

Metaphoric as I introduce the room, but really, the room must be the right place for me. I love the feeling in my soul, the rush in my blood, and the that tingling feeling. I know that this place is more than the blogs, testimonials, either book might inferred.  This is somewhat a place that will rejuvenate my spirit from being death (for quite sometime), and the redemption that I long for.

The room will define my existence in this world. It will be a battleground to myself but this is the challenge I have been praying to God. This is the place I asked since my childhood, and I know that I will continue to die if I don’t come to the room and stay there for the proceeding years.

This is the tingling feeling in my knees, the nervousness that I sweat of, and probably the love I need in this coarse and muddy road I’m taking. The room is the promise I shall do to redeem the respect I lose when I did those things that pushed me away from my dreams.

The room is the only thing I need, and I shall have in this coming years,and in this coming months.

Breakdown

Since the 3rd week of October, I was on the verge of breaking down. Heart always felt broken, rotten, and decaying inside my body. Apart from the fact that there’s no moment of everyday that my eyes swells because of crying. I even develop a timely habit that every 11 p.m, I would just sit in the corner of my bed and just cry my eyes out, and pitied myself for comprising to the demands of other people.

Slowly, I’m dying.

I don’t know what  to do anymore. This stage of my life felt like a new book, I randomly picked at the library, with no idea where, when to start.( That’s a wrong metaphor.)Or rather, a blank canvas,beautifully stretched, purely white, laying in wall , and ready to be painted on, but nothing’s happening.

Tormented with the cold wall I lay.

Alone with nothing.

And then, I asked myself “what the hell happened to me?”.Nothing.I just trusted someone who can never trust me and will never see as trustworthy for theirs.

I guess this is a sign that I should stop.Refrain from trusting to much.Or< I should die,because no one is will to be my friend.

Apparently, my life sucks and I wanna die.

 

 

P.S. I really wanna die right now.(Kung pwedeng maging seafoam, gugustuhin ko din yun.)

 

Untitled 101

May dalawang punto lang naman ako ididiscuss sa entry na ito.

#1. Hindi ako resolve sa break-up namin. Ayun, nagets ko yung rason niya at kasalanan ko din kung bakit di ko sinabi ang mga plano ko, Pero yung kakasimula pa lang tapos na agad.Isang malaking STEP BACK sa pagiging FRIENDS. Wala naman akong isyu dun pero asa honeymooon stage palang kayo tapos anek ending na. Aba!Kumbaga testing the waters pa lang wala na. Asan ang HUSTISYA?

Don’t get me wrong, we’re great friends. We jive on a lot of things and really understand each other.I was also aiming that friendship would push through when we take it on the next level. I know we have a lot of differences, but one prime factor why I decided to take risk of having this relationship was we are curious and we try to understand each other. But (ayun nga)!You haven’t yet immerse with my life and activities, you already gave up. I expected much and disappointed.In addition is my hurt from falling for you.

#2.Paano ako magmomove on kung may communication tayo?Jusko, ang hirap kaya nun. E, may favor pa ako sa’yo na hindi mo tapos at alam ko na hindi ako capable na gawin yun, at wala na akong alam na capable gawin yun. Sa sakit at disappointment na binigay mo sakin, ang pinakagusto ko lang makamit ay makalimutan yung nararamdaman ko sa’yo. Ang tanging hiling ko lang yan tapusin na niya yung favor ko para madelete ko na lahat ng communication line namin. Naniniwala ako na pag nagpatuloy yung mga emails kyeme namin ay di mawawala o mababawasan ang nararamdaman ko. Kaya better na i-cut ko na lang lahat ng communication line namin. Para lang yan pagtigil sa pagsisigarilyo, kung di keri ang unti-unti pagbawas ng stick ng yosi edi isang biglang tigil para mawala.

I really wanna move on and made list to diminish you in my life. Here are the following:

A. Delete all communication lines.

B.Throw everything you gave(T-shirt and dress).

C.Eliminate everything that reminds me of you.

D. Eat chocolates.

E. Never go to places I have the possibility of meeting you (except on rallies).

I wanted to hate you, but I can’t. I just can’t.Tanginang lovelife na’to o.

Hindi ko maalala kung kailan huling magmugto ang mga mata ko ng ganito. Kung kailan ako nakapag open up sa mga tunay na nilalaman ng damdamin ko at ng isip ko. Kung kailan nagtiwala ako muli ng labas sa aking sarili. Ang hirap, pero mas mahirap ang magbigay ng tiwala uli sa mga tao, at mabigyan ng landas ng  gusto ko talagang tahakin.

Madami akong reservations at sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon ay marami pa rin akong reservations, at maraming factors para dun. Nandyan yung takot ko para sa kaligtasan ko, ang lalo pang malayo ang aking pamilya at kung paano ako makikitungo sa mga  tao.  Pero andun din ang yung saya na sa wakas ay mawawala yung mga taong di ako komportable.

Yung paghahanda din sa paglisan na ito ay maganda din para matanto ko din ang damdamin ko sa isang tao. Sa totoo lang, sa ngayon ay pinag-iisipan ko kung itutuloy ko pa ang pagpapahayg ng aking damdamin sa kanya. Ito yung panahon na hinahanap ko ang sarili ko, naghahanap ng direksyon at naghahanap ng pagkakataon para malaman pa ang i-uunlad ko at paano ko pa mapapa-unlad ang kahinaan ko.

Sa totoo lang, di ko matanto kung saan nanggaling ang lakas ng loob ko para ipahayag ang damdamin ko sa tagal na gusto ko siya.

Blinded

No words can express how I feel right now. I’m enlighten on my no direction life, no perspectives, and no goals. Yes, in my previous blogs, I always talk on my drive to fight the system and to become a human rights lawyer,but in the alternate way I can’t and will never be one.

I came to realize that my goal as lawyer will always be a dream, since the economic bystanders to be a lawyer is so high and no tuition loan or scholarship to avail, I am doom to be an another reserve force in the media industry. I will be part of a repressive ideological medium that presents the unreal social strata. This is  how the system wants us to be, a slave that will yearn for economical survival. Then, in the business of the so called glits and glamour, they’ll blind you of pseudo progressive reforms, which is a mask for their anti people policies.

I know in myself that my dream of a repressive free society will be possible if I continue to fight. But how will I fight if no one will join? How can I do this when all of the people are passive on the current system? How will I do this when the people are blinded with the state’s ideology through their apparatuses?

In my classes in UP, there are professors who’ll tell you to organize and educate the students. There said that education cannot only be attain in the four corners of the classroom but through basic masses integration,meaning integrating your life to the basic sectors, such as the peasants, workers, urban poor, and others. The economics they revolve in are different from the economics presented in our high school economic classes neither in college. They are the 99% of the society who are repress in economic, political, and cultural degrees. They are the one’s who suffer from bureaucratic capitalism and social injustices.

I became aware on this issues since I joined an educational discussion.These discussions helped me assessed my life from some  who wants to be a lawyer for family prestige and wealth, to someone who wants to be human rights lawyer for the poor who seeks justice.

But, how will I become a lawyer when law schools offers towering tuition fees and miscellaneous fees. I studied in UP because I don’t pay much on tuition unlike private institutions. I wanted to study in UST law because of its history and prestige, but this will be just a dream because profit oriented institutions tend to earn money than to provide a right.

No matter how I dream it will be in my mind and will never come true. The truths is fairy tales are just stories, they don’t represent the facts that the repressive system is the problem. They will just blind you with false promises and false notion that to have everything is to be at the top. When in fact, being on top signals that attaining economical and political means.

What we need is a genuine change in system. the 99% percent should their basic social needs and the state should provide. Education should be free. The state shall provide decent housing and proper healthcare. These are the only way to end this current society,

My troubles on fighting for social issues

In every struggle there’s a contradiction. In every  stand we make, there’s politics. Everything we had in our life, we owe to the masses.

I grew up in a simple family  in Pangasinan. My mom is math teacher in a national high school in our town, while my dad is a tricycle driver in town. I’m very lucky to have them  and very proud to be their daughter. We don’t have much and my parent kept telling me that my education will be inheritance, the vision of better future through education will be my key to economical progression.

They worked every day to support us  In our education with a dream that someday this education will make our life better. A dream that someday will raise our economical status to much higher class of the society. This seems the dream of many petty bourgeoisie families who belongs to the lower bracket of the society. They aim to step the top to the ladder and become one of those ruling classes. But why is so?

In my childhood, I was immune by my grandmother that I must be a nurse to save my family from poverty. I must go abroad and serve foreigners to earn dollars to have a big house, to have a car, and to  provide my family better life. They also aim that this will be an opportunity for them to be a citizen abroad and have a better life. I was clouded with this idea, which made me shift my dream of being a fashion designer to become a nurse. I was clouded with the idea that to have a better life is that I must go abroad and earn dollars, and these are the current mindset o of many petty bourgeoisie families and instill their children.

Growing up, whenever my grandmother asked me of my dream or what degree will I take in college ( in from of her friends and amigas) , I was forced to say nursing even though my heart was not to it. I was forced by the pressure I get from an elder of the family who also supports my studies. I was forced by the pressure by the mindset of my class to work for foreign entities for individual growth. I realize these in college, when I disobeyed  by family in taking nursing nor accountancy as a degree in college, but instead enroll myself in UP and took Broadcast Communication. Somehow, enrolling in UP made my family proud, which incorporated a new dream of being a news anchor and earn a lot of money that will save us from poverty. It may be in a different degree but still the mindset of raising our class is still there.

My family is considered to be part of the lower middle class of the society. Being a middle class, my family can’t help to aim higher and grow more and more (financially and socially). Our social strata demands us to grow more economically, since we have the capacity to provide education (which is priority) though my dad is a tricycle driver and my mom is a simple high school teacher. We are expose in an environment that demands us to be competitive in economical stature, which will manifest in our manner of dress, gadgets, and how socially active we are invited to higher class parties and events. And, all I get with this idea is showing off.

I was also in this framework in my college life. I was active to parties and social activities, at least to feel better on my struggling social situation. But what does this brought to me? Only that it intensifies my aspiration be part of that ruling class. Well, in fact, I must be with masses and fight for our right and freedom.