Back in high school, I used to think that writing was my best. I was often applauded by my teachers on my informal pieces and short stories I submitted in English class. I was also selected as a Managing Editor of a Science Newspaper (existed for competitive egoistic honor students) though I belong to an average section and doesn’t really care about Science than to pass. I also did poems in church activities and speeches for my friends, back then.Wait! If you think that this is about my life as a writer, well, NO!But, this is about my thoughts this past hour.
I had a very traumatic experience that led me to be as private as possible. I let myself to be vague and suspected everyone( which I didn’t do, I’m too trusting!). I always thought that being with “me “will help me grow more as a writer and as person. But this never happened. Years have pass and my skills never improved, I’m still stuck at the old high schooler me, or I thought so.
As I am writing this piece, I can’t keep my mind from thinking of my recent exam. I barely passed the exam. If the committee didn’t adjusted the score, it would be a heartbreaking failure for me. I was scanning my scores early this morning and realized how I failed big time in English.Yes! A Filipina failed English, which is taught to her since kindergarten to college. I failed English even though I have been writing all through my life. I can’t understand why. Its not because I focused on Math and Logic, cause I barely focused on numbers, equations, and judgments.I know that I studied very well in English. Grammar is my cup of tea. It was just devastating to learn that I failed.
My failure have me thinking of my knowledge on English.It also questions my credibility as a writer for years. To be honest, I’m also thinking if Law would still be the right track for me. I have been saying this in all of my post that Law will be the only career for me. I really wanted it to be. But, this failure made me think if this is the right track. I think that I can speak in English fluently and still write well. Speaking and writing are two basic skills I need for the profession. I know I should not be bothered by an exam, also I still got in. I PASSED, and that’s the important thing.But, my anxiety still kicks in.