Working and Studying

Finally!I am in law school!

In one of the best law school in the country,San Beda College of Law.

I am also teaching in one of the prominent school in Manila.Its not the happiest work place but I need to cope up since I’m paying for this dream,and my parents are really supportive on this. I guess this is something I can be proud of.

Actually, the story is I’m studying and working. Being in the academe is something really innate to me because of my Mom. Me and brothers were fed of my Mom’s career in the academe. It is nice that I am following the same career (for now) as her.My family are also proud of it,especially now that I am student of all.If only they know my struggles right now.

To be honest,I’m having a hard time juggling my work and my studies.It should be easy but really a teachers job is hard.I’m always occupied with work related affairs and my students welfare.It is becoming a hindrance to the dream I am starting now.I don’t know how will I cope up and how will I progress.All I wish is guidance for wisdom and intelligence. Hoping that god would give these blessings to me.O just want to survive and become a Bedan lawyer.

I am force to look for a job that will be amenable with my law school sched.I hope I can finally transfer.

Ghad!I have a lot of wishes.I just pray intent for it.

 

 

 

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English

Back in high school, I used to think that writing was my best. I was often applauded by my teachers on my informal pieces and short stories I submitted in English class. I was also selected as a Managing Editor of a Science Newspaper (existed for competitive egoistic honor students) though I belong to an average section and doesn’t really care about Science than to pass. I also did poems in church activities and speeches for my friends, back then.Wait! If you think  that this is about my life as a writer, well, NO!But, this is about my thoughts this past hour.

I had a very traumatic experience that led me to be as private as possible. I let myself to be vague and suspected everyone( which I didn’t do, I’m too trusting!). I always thought that being with “me “will help me grow more as a writer and as person. But this never happened. Years have pass and my skills never improved, I’m still stuck at the old high schooler me, or I thought so.

As I am writing this piece, I can’t keep my mind from thinking of my recent exam. I barely passed the exam. If the committee didn’t adjusted the score, it would be a heartbreaking failure for me.  I was scanning my scores early this morning and realized how I failed big time in English.Yes! A Filipina failed English, which is taught to her since kindergarten to college. I failed English even though I have been writing all through my life. I can’t understand why. Its not because I focused on Math and Logic, cause I barely focused on numbers, equations, and judgments.I know that I studied very well in English. Grammar is my cup of tea. It was just devastating to learn that I failed.

My failure have me thinking of my knowledge on English.It also questions my credibility as a writer for years. To be honest, I’m also thinking if Law would still be the right track for me. I have been saying this in all of my post that Law will be the only career for me. I really wanted  it to be. But, this failure made me think if this is the right track. I think that I can speak in English fluently and still write well. Speaking and writing are two basic skills I need for the profession. I know I should not be bothered by an exam, also I still got in. I PASSED, and that’s  the important thing.But, my anxiety still kicks in.

Deem to Redeem (People and Kidapawan Massacre)

The-Darkness

Mercy and compassion are very known to Christians, Catholics, or any religion who live by the teachings of Jesus Christ. It is a known trait of a true believer of God and Jesus Christ. But how we actually redeem in this current society  flaunted with many evils that dressed itself as a believer and a good man.

Many would that this blog might discuss many religious stuff. Yeah, it will. I always believed that a true and firm believer of God should know to recognize the good and bad of world, more precisely the current society we live by. Faith and work are vital in having mercy and compassion to our fellowmen. However, we need to actually know enemy in our society.

The cross-dresser

These are not the LGBTQ(I have high respect on these people, and I love them a lot), I’m talking about the politicians, and other influences who dressed themselves good, nice, accompanied by the beautiful words of promise.

Who are these people?

Yes. They look good and clean, angelic as they were in the outside, and the words they are too beautiful to recognize that are actually deceiving the people. It is common during elections(especially in the Philippines) or in the yearly address of the President. We are blinded with false reports of growth and development while many of the citizen are hungry with no jobs, proper housing, and no access to the basic social services.

They dress their reports with colorful graphs of inflation and growths, and often discuss to the bourgeoisie, as they dress themselves with glitz and glamour.

The talker 

This is the most annoying trait of many evils of the society. These are people who talks about their accomplishments undermining the poor and the needy. They like to talk about their achievements, and often deny their mistakes and blame in to the people. Example is the Kidapawan massacre where the Governor blamed the people of the incidents, along with the Mayor of the City (he even said that only were his accountability since he just have few constituents join the rally of farmers for food), and the PNP Chief of the area. But, these are just cohorts of the real talker which Mar Roxas, who asked the hungry “who financed their demonstration?”. This is a huge manifestation of undermining the poor and needy’s capacity to think for themselves and have a decision.

The talker often have the reasons for his/her mistakes and try to escape the dilemma even proven guilty.

The ignorant

I intended to use “innocent” but its to nice and lowly as the sheep. These people don’t deserved to be compared with the lowly and meek sheep, they are too evil to be innocent.

The ignorant are people who denies that they know the issue even though its all over the news and social media.They hide for days to prevent any intrusion from harm of their prestige and honor. These people already have blood in their hands and treats people like a pawn to the enemy.

The best example would be the Noynoy Aquino in Kidapawan Massacre. Many media outfits, netizens, and the public, ask the Malacanang for any statement on the Kidapawan Massacre, until the President made an speech and said he don’t know the events (such hypocrisy). He is also responsible of SAF 44 murder in their clash with the BIFF,to chase the Malayan terrorist Marwan  for the price money.

 

Generally, the cross-dresser, the talker, and the ignorant are people whom you not trusted. They don’t have mercy and compassion amongst their fellowmen and they are so selfish to think about others. They value their power among any others. They want to preserve their positions for accumulation of power and riches.

They are people who don’t value god and teachings, but are people who loves to quote the bible to dress and hide their true intentions.

 

The room

Okay. The first I stepped in this “room”(let’s call it that way), I felt that I belong there. No matter what happen I’ll do my best to be in the room.

Metaphoric as I introduce the room, but really, the room must be the right place for me. I love the feeling in my soul, the rush in my blood, and the that tingling feeling. I know that this place is more than the blogs, testimonials, either book might inferred.  This is somewhat a place that will rejuvenate my spirit from being death (for quite sometime), and the redemption that I long for.

The room will define my existence in this world. It will be a battleground to myself but this is the challenge I have been praying to God. This is the place I asked since my childhood, and I know that I will continue to die if I don’t come to the room and stay there for the proceeding years.

This is the tingling feeling in my knees, the nervousness that I sweat of, and probably the love I need in this coarse and muddy road I’m taking. The room is the promise I shall do to redeem the respect I lose when I did those things that pushed me away from my dreams.

The room is the only thing I need, and I shall have in this coming years,and in this coming months.

Breakdown

Since the 3rd week of October, I was on the verge of breaking down. Heart always felt broken, rotten, and decaying inside my body. Apart from the fact that there’s no moment of everyday that my eyes swells because of crying. I even develop a timely habit that every 11 p.m, I would just sit in the corner of my bed and just cry my eyes out, and pitied myself for comprising to the demands of other people.

Slowly, I’m dying.

I don’t know what  to do anymore. This stage of my life felt like a new book, I randomly picked at the library, with no idea where, when to start.( That’s a wrong metaphor.)Or rather, a blank canvas,beautifully stretched, purely white, laying in wall , and ready to be painted on, but nothing’s happening.

Tormented with the cold wall I lay.

Alone with nothing.

And then, I asked myself “what the hell happened to me?”.Nothing.I just trusted someone who can never trust me and will never see as trustworthy for theirs.

I guess this is a sign that I should stop.Refrain from trusting to much.Or< I should die,because no one is will to be my friend.

Apparently, my life sucks and I wanna die.

 

 

P.S. I really wanna die right now.(Kung pwedeng maging seafoam, gugustuhin ko din yun.)

 

Untitled 101

May dalawang punto lang naman ako ididiscuss sa entry na ito.

#1. Hindi ako resolve sa break-up namin. Ayun, nagets ko yung rason niya at kasalanan ko din kung bakit di ko sinabi ang mga plano ko, Pero yung kakasimula pa lang tapos na agad.Isang malaking STEP BACK sa pagiging FRIENDS. Wala naman akong isyu dun pero asa honeymooon stage palang kayo tapos anek ending na. Aba!Kumbaga testing the waters pa lang wala na. Asan ang HUSTISYA?

Don’t get me wrong, we’re great friends. We jive on a lot of things and really understand each other.I was also aiming that friendship would push through when we take it on the next level. I know we have a lot of differences, but one prime factor why I decided to take risk of having this relationship was we are curious and we try to understand each other. But (ayun nga)!You haven’t yet immerse with my life and activities, you already gave up. I expected much and disappointed.In addition is my hurt from falling for you.

#2.Paano ako magmomove on kung may communication tayo?Jusko, ang hirap kaya nun. E, may favor pa ako sa’yo na hindi mo tapos at alam ko na hindi ako capable na gawin yun, at wala na akong alam na capable gawin yun. Sa sakit at disappointment na binigay mo sakin, ang pinakagusto ko lang makamit ay makalimutan yung nararamdaman ko sa’yo. Ang tanging hiling ko lang yan tapusin na niya yung favor ko para madelete ko na lahat ng communication line namin. Naniniwala ako na pag nagpatuloy yung mga emails kyeme namin ay di mawawala o mababawasan ang nararamdaman ko. Kaya better na i-cut ko na lang lahat ng communication line namin. Para lang yan pagtigil sa pagsisigarilyo, kung di keri ang unti-unti pagbawas ng stick ng yosi edi isang biglang tigil para mawala.

I really wanna move on and made list to diminish you in my life. Here are the following:

A. Delete all communication lines.

B.Throw everything you gave(T-shirt and dress).

C.Eliminate everything that reminds me of you.

D. Eat chocolates.

E. Never go to places I have the possibility of meeting you (except on rallies).

I wanted to hate you, but I can’t. I just can’t.Tanginang lovelife na’to o.

Hindi ko maalala kung kailan huling magmugto ang mga mata ko ng ganito. Kung kailan ako nakapag open up sa mga tunay na nilalaman ng damdamin ko at ng isip ko. Kung kailan nagtiwala ako muli ng labas sa aking sarili. Ang hirap, pero mas mahirap ang magbigay ng tiwala uli sa mga tao, at mabigyan ng landas ng  gusto ko talagang tahakin.

Madami akong reservations at sa totoo lang hanggang ngayon ay marami pa rin akong reservations, at maraming factors para dun. Nandyan yung takot ko para sa kaligtasan ko, ang lalo pang malayo ang aking pamilya at kung paano ako makikitungo sa mga  tao.  Pero andun din ang yung saya na sa wakas ay mawawala yung mga taong di ako komportable.

Yung paghahanda din sa paglisan na ito ay maganda din para matanto ko din ang damdamin ko sa isang tao. Sa totoo lang, sa ngayon ay pinag-iisipan ko kung itutuloy ko pa ang pagpapahayg ng aking damdamin sa kanya. Ito yung panahon na hinahanap ko ang sarili ko, naghahanap ng direksyon at naghahanap ng pagkakataon para malaman pa ang i-uunlad ko at paano ko pa mapapa-unlad ang kahinaan ko.

Sa totoo lang, di ko matanto kung saan nanggaling ang lakas ng loob ko para ipahayag ang damdamin ko sa tagal na gusto ko siya.